1. Never say, "Let's mess with the supernatural". Say that, and you know for sure bad stuff is going happen and people are going to die.
2. remember, the fluffiest girls always die first, especially if they've been naked and had sex.
SUMMER CAMP SAFETY
1.Avoid any camp not named for an Indian. Good examples would be Camp Crystal Lake or Sleepaway Camp.
2.If you are a counselor, avoid picking on shy kids, or the kids who are just a little different. They're invariably smarter than you are and they always get revenge.
3.If you are a camper, befriend and depend the shy loner types, they need the companionship and seem to exhibit a high survival rate.
4.Overly friendly counselors may be recent asylum escapees or just insane.
5.Make sure knives, arrows, machetes and other potential weapons are securely locked away.
6.If you're a teenager and you have sex in the woods, you WILL die.
7.Campfire legends always come back to get you. Usually about a half an hour after you've told them and the camp doofus has jumped out in costume to scare everyone.
8.If you see any large, rather rotted man wearing a hockey mask, run like hell, cause you're a goner!
9.Never spy on the counselor's cabin, you'll either discover a secret hobby you would rather not know about, or someone will sneak up behind you.
10.If you happen to survive the carnage in the first film, don't appear in a sequel, you will be offed in the first five minutes.
11.If a shabbily dressed man named Ralph or Bob approaches you with googly eyes, telling you everyone is doomed, believe him and leave immediately.
12. Never hang around with the smart ass doofus who makes everyone else's life miserable or plays practical jokes. You just know he's going to be slaughtered in the worst possible manner.
COLLEGES
1.The majority of the students are always far too stupid to actually be in college.
2.The big time jocks are always the first to go, usually blubbering and crying and calling for mommy, so brawn does not matter.
3.If you are a blonde with big tits, don't get nekkidd or you're gonna die fer sure.
4.Never go exploring alone in that creepy deserted building that everyone tells scary stories about. And never have a Halloween party there.
5.Avoid any college with asylums, prisons, swamps or mysterious lakes near by.
6.Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving, and somehow, she always turns out to be a hot babe once her drab clothes and glasses are off and she lets her hair down.
7.Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered in blood. In fact, it's a good never to take a shower at all.
8.If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue and don't date any medical students.
9.If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected pledges, especially if the college is giving them a chance for a new start because they were recently released from a nearby asylum, after being committed due to some unmentioned tragedy.
10.Campus Police are pretty much on the level of Barney Fife with brain damage, and are known to be trigger happy, but very very poor shots.
11.Never, ever stay in the dorms during extended holidays when everyone else has gone home.
12. Never have a pajama party and try on each other's lingeree while showing your breasts to the maniac who is invariably watching from some strategically hidden position.
13. Never ever allow anyone into your fraternity or sorority who is slightly mentally disturbed because they have had a brother or a sister die or disappear under mysterious circumstances that they're reluctant to talk about.
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A KILLER
1.You can only do your killing on holidays, so remember to avoid the summer camps and college dorms in August.
2.Guns are never to be used, so go raid a hardware store or local barn for axes, pitchforks and machetes. Chain saws are particularly to be valued, but any sharp, pointy object may be utilized in a pinch. Unusual objects will always make things far more exciting.
3.If you are disfigured or have a limp, or were horribly mutilated as a child in the most traumatic manner imaginable, you're on your way to a championship score!
4.When chasing women through the woods, don't hurry, they'll trip and fall soon enough.
5.If you are an only child, somehow you'll discover in the sequel that you actually have a brother or a sister you never knew about.
6.Always use an odd mask and breath as hard as possible, even if Halloween is months away. It impresses your victims.
7.Always avoid bitter, disgruntled cops that put you away once before. They tend to hold grudges.
8.Don't worry about getting killed by the macho tough guys, you will always win.
9.Strong mother fixations tend to be a big plus, so remember mom well. Save momentos if possible, and build a shrine in an abandoned cabin in the woods.
10.If you are a woman and a killer, you will die at the end. Only one out of ten female-killers ever seems to live and those are transvestites or have already signed the contracts for the sequel.
11.Keep in mind that you are most likely invincible but try not to talk. If you do talk, you must always crack jokes or speak in mysterious fashion about old legends and your mother's unimaginable accident.
12. If your homicidal tendencies are due to trauma's as a child or teenager which horribly mutilated you in some fashion, remember it's better to be sure, so you should massacre not only the people you wish to get revenge on, but everyone around them, and anyone who looks like them.
CIVIL SERVICE EMPLOYEES
1.If you happen to wander onto any abandoned government facilities, do so at your own risk.
2.Any containerS or packages which have been hidden by the military are almost always harmful and to be avoided.
3.If you happen to see any men wearing white environmental suits and carrying automatic weapons, PRAY!
4.If you happen to meet any men wearing dark suits and dark glasses at night, chances are they are probably not part of any recognized governmental agency on Earth.
5.Any virus or biological agent developed and hidden by the military or mad scientists has a 99.9% fatality rate and no known cure.
6.If you see any large unmarked vehicles in a convoy, get out of town!
7.If you are being attacked by zombies, the government will nuke your town, clean up and conceal the remains and deny everything.
8.Government issued containers or steel drums will break down, fall off trucks, be stolen by terrorists, fail at the wrong time or be accidentally opened by the biggest doofus in town.
9.If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated. Especially if there is a summer camp, asylum or college near by.
10.Remember they will deny everything! Take a hint from Agent Fox Mulder and Trust No One!
11. Never volunteer to take anything in sealed containers anywhere.
ZOMBIES
1.If you ever see anyone walking that you know is dead, they are a ZOMBIE!
2.If you ever get bitten by a zombie, you will soon become one.
3.Remember that a well placed gunshot in the head usually does the trick 75% of the time, except on mutant zombies.
4.Zombies love brains, nice warm BRAINS!
5.Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get shot in the head.
6.If a loved one is killed by a zombie, shoot them in the head and burn them quickly.
7.Never try to outrun a zombie, they somehow always manage to catch you despite the fact they can barely walk. They'll always be in the next room or behind the nearest tree
8.If they are Redneck Zombies, give them some Jack Daniels, a hound dawg, and have them play a banjo.
9.Never piss off a Haitian Medicine man or you will become a zombie.
10.Never use fire to ward off zombies as it will usually burn out at the crucial moment.
11.If you happen to be in an Italian Zombie movie, have a big barf bag ready because italian zombies will eat anything and are particularly fond of breasts and maggots.
DEMONS AND STUFF
1.Never read anything called The Book of the Dead, The Necronomicon, The Satanic Bible or play with weird puzzle boxes, Ouija boards or any other device that summons the evil or dead. They have no sense of humor at all, and they get extremely pissed off at being disturbed!
2.Never name your child Damien or Reagan.
3.If your child spews green vomit, talks in the voice of a ninety year old Jewish man who has been smoking for seventy years and has a head spinning complex, tie them to the bed, call an exorcist and stop serving them peas.
4.Never promise your first born to any weird group, they never forget and they will come to pick it up.
5.If you happen upon a gathering of robed people gathered around pentagrams on the floor, and nekkid women on altars, run away as fast as you can.
6.Never give your blood or volunteer to give any bodily fluid to any robed group.
7.Demons seem to be impervious to bullets, unless your name is Ash.
8.Summoning spirits during a seance usually brings really cranky, grumpy, angry ghosts.
9.Evil looking fluids or boxes buried under churches should stay there.
10.Never sign a deal with the devil, he is worse then any record club about collection.
BIMBOS, BABES AND BOWLARAMA SLUTS
1.If a Playboy or Penthouse centerfold model appears, more then likely she is either the heroinne or the killer or the killer's sister.
2.The most stuck up and bitchy cheerleader is always the first to go, but only after she gets nekkid.
3.When you confront a potential intruder, a fireplace poker or a baseball bat are usually not going to stop a Jason or Freddy type killer. In fact these weapons will certainly be taken away from you and used against you.
4.If you are a plain Jane or just plain ugly, you are not usually important to the plot, so you know you're not gonna survive.
5.Fluffy babes are never meant to survive, unless they are being saved to become the killers breeding stock.
6.Bimbos are way more likely to enter a creepy looking building or suggest that a well armed group break up and everyone go off and explore on their own while she gets her boyfriend in a room alone for some nekkid slap and tickle.
7.Woman should never get naked or go skinny dipping, it usually draws the killer or over-sexed maniacs right to you, not to mention the practical joker of the group who will steal your clothes because he's so pissed off at knowing he'll never get laid.
8.The likelihood of a bimbo becoming a hero is in direct relation to the how big a star she is, if she's the producer's mistress and whether or not she's worth seeing nekkid one more time.
9.When making a Women in Prison movie, your bimbos must take frequent showers, be bisexual and be dressed in the latest from Frederick's and Victoria's Kinky Secret.
10.If the babe is meant to be the hero from the start, its because she is either a super genius in disguise, an undercover police officer or she is related to the killer. That's a hard fast definite.
11.When a babe gets killed, somehow she has to get topless so you can look at her breasts before she dies.
ALIEN INVASION
1.If you happen to get a strange message and decipher it, beware of eminent invasion.
2.If you happen to find a derelict ship of unknown origin, send in robots or disposable cast members.
3.Never get close to anything that resembles an egg, hive or pod.
4.If your friend behaves rather strangely, they may be under alien influence or really stoned! Either way you should be cautious.
5.Never try to get in contact with a hostile entity. Whatever higher intelligence they possess, they ain't telling you!
6.Unlike Earth machines, Alien machines can lay dormant for thousands of years and are easily triggered into operation by the merest suggestion of investigation.
7.Flying saucers can outrun, out shoot and out fly anything built by man.
8.Make sure when you abandon ship that the escape craft only contains those you actually wish to save.
9.If you happen to have nuclear or fusion weapons at hand, don't be shy, USE THEM!
10.Never trust a company spokesman, they usually want to screw you in exchange for the xenomorph.