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Dear:
()Clueless Newbie ()Lamer ()CS'er
()Dead-beat ()"Me too"'er ()Pervert
()Geek ()Pre-teen ()Nerd
()Elvis WannaBe ()Fed ()Slut
()Freak ()Troller ()Loser
()WannBe Hacker ()Scammer ()Spammer
()Moron ()Scientologist ()A**hole
()Jerk ()Pervert ()Dickhead
()Degenerate ()Mac User ()Freak
()Bill Gates believer ()monkey spanker
()man with CAPS LOCK button depressed forever
()Clueless AOL'er ()Clueless MSN user
()Self-righteous Xtian ()Clueless Prodigy user
()Droid from Microsoft

You Are Being Flamed Because:
()You suck ()You make no sense
()You said "me too" to something
()You posted to 10 or more groups
()You started an off-topic thread
()I don't like your tone of voice
()You are acting like sluts
()Your sig/alias/server is dreadful
()You posted a phone-sex ad
()I think you might be a fed
()You're worthless ()You piss me off
()You whine like a damn toddler
()You were crude/tasteless/perverted/vulgar in your post/letter
()You have the grammar of an inbred Texan
()You actually believe Windows is a good operating system
()I saw a wanted poster with your face on it in the sysops' office
()You posted warez in pieces LESS than 5000 lines
()You posted something asking for warez sites
()You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
()You posted a blatently obvious troll
()You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above)
()You replied to the above message type believing it was someone famous
()You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme and claimed it was legal
()You posted in ElItE CaPiTaLs because you think that makes you cool
()You brag about things that never happened
()You made up slang then used it in a message
()You're so uniquely lost I had to create a new category just for you
()You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally worthless that you are being flamed anyway
()You reek of someone who learned all he knows about computers from the "Quick Study" videos and "Idiots Guides"
()You asked another stupid, pointless question

To Repent, You Must:
()Stop masturbating for a week
()Actually post something relevant
()Read the FAQ ()Slice your wrist
()Do 200 pushups non-stop
()Realise that you know dick
()Be President Clinton's love slave
()Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
()Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
()Tell your Mommy to up your medication
()Hang yourself with some SCSI cables
()Get off the 'Net and go back to your Sega Genesis
()Trade in your iMac for a nice calculator

In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
()Bite me ()Get a life ()Get stuffed
()Eat dirt ()You need to get laid
()Shut yer mouth from now on
()Get wrecked ()I pity your dog
()Never post again ()Go to hell
()Get a clue, you pathetic loser
()Go lick a belt sander
()Take your gibberish somewhere else
()Go tell your mother/father/test tube they failed
()Age 10 more years before you post again
()All of the above

End of flame, have a nice day!

Form letters... When you don't care enough to send the very best.

He came from the east, with muscles aglow,
John on a quest for a lady we know.
Rawhide Lil, a most dangerous dame.
Rocky Racoon didn't stand a chance with Lil and her devious game,
but Glow in the Dark John wasn't one of the same.
He roped her and tied her and took away her gun.
Lil, she protested and John stuck his thumb,
in her one good eye, lifted her up like a bowling ball,
stuck his fingers in her ass, drug her down the hall.
Oh the screams they were disturbing, the rattling so loud,
the moans were so perturbing, their actions not in doubt.
The ceiling collapsed, the bed did, too,
and landed with a crash on Sluefoot Sue.
"Sorry, boys," said John, "for making such a mess,
but a wrangler like me only takes the best."
Then, with a wink, on his twinkles arose,
and we heard Lil say, "Oh, well, there he goes."
So we erected a plaque to the man who'd tamed Lil,
to put on the outhouse, up there on the hill,
so one and all can read, when they've done and gone,
"You've had the privelege of using the Glow in the Dark John."

I was warped by the rain, driven by the snow
I'm drunk and dirty and don't ya know, I'm still
Was out on the road late at night,
I seen my pretty Alice in every head light
Alice, Dallas Alice

And I've been from Tuscon to Tucumcari
Tehachapi to Tonapah
Driven every kind of rig that's ever been made
Driven the back roads so I wouldn't get weighed
And if you give me: weed, whites, and wine
And you show me a sign
Well I'll be willin', to be movin'

Was kicked by the wind, robbed by the sleet
Had my head stoved in and I'm still on my feet
and I'm still...
Right here in Roseland in Portland Oregon
Now I smuggled some smokes and folks from Mexico
Baked by the sun, every time I go to Mexico,
and I'm still

And I been from Tuscon to Tucumcari
Tehachapi to Tonapah
Driven every kind of rig that's ever been made
Driven the back roads so I wouldn't get weighed
And if you give me: weed, whites, and wine
and then you show me a sign
I'll be willin', to be movin'